I will start this entry by saying that I had a feeling the end was near, but I was not entirely sure how close. As my previous entries have indicated, continued fear, stress, and more stress have been coming together as I inch closer to possible homelessness. It's Juneteenth and as it's a holiday I took the extra day off from the day job to enjoy my freedoms and the world around me. Quinn's pond and the connecting Veteran's Memorial park where I started my first plein air experiences.
I get to enjoy public lands for public use and I have a lot of privilege. Much of it I try to be aware of. White privilege, thin privilege, and right handed privilege. Yes, that is a thing. Try and use your left hand if it's not your dominant hand for just a day. You'll see the world is largely build around the engineering of a right-hand dominant design.
I have spent time trying to educate myself more on the many struggles of Black Americans and reading, watching, and listening to sources to help me understand. I get it more and more, but I will never fully understand because that is not my personal experience. I grew up as a rurally impoverished white girl. There are some things I can do my best to understand and empathize with.
One of my loved ones has been passionately posting on social media about institutionalized racism and her desire to see the police be defunded. I think of her often, even if she doesn't know it. I am so glad that she seeks to separate herself from the roots of where we grew up. It can be hard, but she is doing well. She has worked to integrate herself into the Boise scene in a way that only someone in their 20's really can.
I am a valence electron in every family unit I am part of. I was the referee for my parents through early childhood as they were divorced. So much hate. So much hurt and half-truths. I was an only child. Then I was the oldest. Then I was the youngest. I was an only child again. As it stands, I am the oldest and the only-est. They say birth order impacts children. Of course it does! What does it mean to jump around roles like that? It means *newsflash* expected societal roles are really hard for me, including gender identity. Times like right now I push everyone away, I get overwhelmed and want to disappear. I don't ask for help when I know I should. Not getting help when you need it is really painful--but right now being out to paint and enjoy myself is really nice.
Perhaps its one of the reasons my chosen family of friends/loved ones are the safe people for me. I truly was raised by friends, family, neighbors, and teachers. Even still, I push them away. My hubby is reflecting on such things lately as well as we prepare for the last leg of the stressful journey for our next chapter. He is scared to be away from his family, as they are very tight-knit and supportive. I have never seen such love and care from parents as he gets from his. Truly, its an incredibly beautiful dynamic they have, and its hard to see him struggle with this change--even though we don't know where it will take us.
Comentarios